Japan 2014 Part the First: 9nine, Umika and the Takoyaki Apocalypse

This story, like most stories, come to think of it, starts with a beginning. After the beginning comes a long and twisted middle before the explosive climax kills everyone. This story has lots of beginnings and endings but very little middle, so I think it's a pretty good one.

It all began when I realised I had two weeks of holiday left to take before the end of March. "Well, fuck it," I thought, and took them both together, booked a flight and packed my bags.

I'd done basically no advanced planning for the trip, so when Momoclo announced their Kokuritsu concerts my first thought was "ooh, lucky," and my second "fuck that" upon seeing the ticket prices.

So, only advanced plan scotched before I had even set off. There were a few other events I had my eye on, but of all those I bought a ticket for one of them and then didn't even go to it.

Now the preamble is out of the way, the actual trip.

Saturday 8th March

Saturday morning, I left my abode and headed for the airport. In the airport lounge I heard for the first time about the Malaysian plane that disappeared. My track record with flying in tandem with major aviation incidents seemingly knows no bounds. In 2006 I flew to Croatia with a bunch of drinks, on the way back they all got confiscated because of the transatlantic liquid bomb thing. But anyway... On the plane I was sat next to a Japanese businessman who had been cutting a deal between Sky and Talktalk about a merger or something. Probably confidential but oh well. The entertainment system on the plane was horrible, films starting at set times and just running until they finish, rather than you being able to select yourself when you want to watch something. I flew with Virgin, who I'd heard only good things about, but the food was terrible (I swear you get better inflight food on cheaper flights) and in general the flight sucked.

Sunday 9th March

Upon arrival at Narita I found a payphone and rang Dean, who had promised to meet me to sell me an internet capable phone which I could connect to wifi with. After agreeing to meet up about 8:30pm in Akiba, I set out to find my accomodation, located in Nippori. Despite walking back and forth to the station multiple times, I couldn't find the place. I attempted using some more payphones to get in touch with the manager of the place, whose number I luckily had, but it never connected. Eventually, someone cornered me and dragged me to the back of a dimly lit alleyway and to the door of the place. I unpacked and then, upon noting the lack of a kettle, decided that it completely wasn't on, and went to buy one. I ended up in Kameari, where I had stayed for a month last time I went to Japan in 2008, simply because I knew where everything was there. I ended up doing a trip down nostalgia lane, spending half an hour in the net café I used to visit nearly every night, noting with regret the absense of the Indian restaurant I used to frequent, and hitting up the two Ito Yokado stores to find a kettle and some batteries (the clock had also stopped and I needed some for my flash gun, which then remained forgotten and untouched for the rest of the two weeks), which I eventually found and went back to my temporary home.

Completely forgetting about Dean, I turned on the TV and, as usual with jetlag, promptly fell asleep.  I awoke at 20:15, remembering I'd forgotten something, and then 20 minutes later finding myself at Akihabara station trying to find him. Half an hour later I had a phone, and also a rather full stomach courtesy of Saizeriya, certainly the restaurant of kingswota.

Now equipped with internets, I set about finding events. I found one scheduled for Tuesday in Chiba, a 9nine mini-live and high-five event (high touch sounds so weird in English), so I decided on Monday that I'd scout the place out.

Monday 10th March

After being awoken by the sound of drills, hoovers and hammering, because the place I was staying decided to do renovations for the two weeks I was there, I got up and decided to head to find it. So I did, catching the Keiyo line out to the backwaters of deepest Chiba (lol) and getting off at Shinnarashino to try to find the Aeon Mall. After a good half hour of walking, I did. Upon figuring out where the damn thing would be held, I grabbed some world beers from the supermarket at the back of the mall and headed back to Shinnarashino. However, at the station I spotted a poster for the Aeon Mall saying "get off at Kaihinmakuhari and you can get a 100円 bus straight there." So, an hour of walking for nothing. As it was still about 7pm, I decided to scout out the location of my favourite brewery's latest pub, which unfortunately happened to be in Roppongi. Brewdog, the craziest Scottish brewery in existence (to my knowledge, up until I learned that Brewmeister had brewed a beer called Snake Venom at 67.5%) create very nice craft beers, as well as some insanely strong ones. I did a large circle of Roppongi Hills, couldn't find it, gave up, and found it around the next corner (a common occurence when searching for Brewdog Bars, I did the same last July when looking for the one in Shoreditch). I headed in, forgetting I was jetlagged, hadn't eaten, and was sorely in need of sleep.




5 hours later I crawled out, after 5 beers over 9% and a bottle of Norwegian brewery Nogne's attempt at crafting a Japanese sake, Junmai. How I made it back I can't actually remember, except that I missed the last train on the Hibiya Line and had to catch the Oedo to Daimon and from there on my memory is much a blank, apart from throwing up on the Yamanote Line. Oh Roppongi. This is why you don't go there. Still, the crew at the bar are full of win, the manager gave me his business card after I got chatting to him, and I'll probably go there again some day. Once I've had a proper meal.

Tuesday 11th March

I awoke the next day with an incredible headache and a need to do some laundry from the previous night's exploits. And a need to attend a 9nine event in Chiba. I somehow did them in the right order and generally did okay in somehow getting back to Chiba. Unsure of the way these things worked, I went and bought a CD first (it was a flying get too), but then walked away without collecting my high-five ticket, because I didn't know they even existed. So they forced them onto me, and I walked away. However, I had two tickets from one CD, which must have been a mistake on their part because the days thereafter was always one per CD. Well, who was I to complain? I got to meet 9nine twice.

They came out and performed the first half of With Me/With You as a rehearsal, then disappeared again. Then they came back out and tore through Re:, Colorful, (Luv=)0 or H8? (which they made the audience dance to) and then With Me/With You. All in all a perfectly pleasant live. Then came the time to go and meet them. First in line was Charpon, who was utterly delightful. She tried starting with English, but gave up and then just sort of glowed at me. And I do mean glowing, not glowering. She just stood there with a stupidly cute grin on her face. Kanchan asked where I was from and was suitably impressed when I told her the UK. Umika completely blanked me, probably thought I was just some random person who'd been walking by or something. That or she was just really fucking tired. Probably both. Hiroro, much the same as Charpon, just sort of grinned at me. This just made me tell her she was cute, as to which her smile sort of extended past the barriers of her face and filled the entire mall. Ukky was cute too, but she actually tried her hardest to hold an English conversation with me. I went back up and had another go, Charpon asked me my name and then said she'd remember it. Umika seemed to realise that maybe I wasn't just another random person off the plane, and Hiroro was still grinning like an idiot. That was all I can remember, was still hungover. Still, first idol event over.

Heading back to Tokyo, I figured I'd find more of these 9nine events. On the way home I stopped into the Indian Restaurant around the corner from where I was staying and discovered that it was the greatest Indian restaurant I've ever been in, which is saying a lot when you live in the UK, and have spent a lot of time in Scotland and West Yorkshire where many of the best curry houses in the UK are generally said to be. It's called Darjeeling, and if anyone's in Nippori I'd recommend it. Just head out the north gate's west exit and turn left out the door and keep walking.

I found some more 9nine events and went to sleep.

Wednesday 12th March

Wednesday dawned bright and early to find me heading to Shinjuku station to meet with Dean again, who I planned on dragging along to 9nine in the evening at Laqua near the Tokyo Dome. He already knew the way so I didn't have to worry. However, finding him was a nightmare. How anyone can expect to meet other people in Shinjuku station I don't know. The place has about 260 exits. Anyway, somehow we managed it, and I sat in a bank for an hour whilst Dean tried to sort out some international transfer shit that in the end they wouldn't let him do anyway. Hooray bureaucracy. After this we walked way out into the weird bits and found a Wendy's, ate the greasiest fucking burger in the history of ever, and then tubed over to Akiba to do some otaku things.



After mildly jizzing over a huge amount of photobooks on the 9th floor of Shosen and a Mamiya RB67 (my favourite ever camera) for 31000円 in a camera shop, and bumping into a member of Alice Project's Slime Girls on the street and asking her where the theatre was, we did the stupidest thing possible and went to a maid café. We ended up at Maidreamin', which is one I went to 6 years ago, but the maids were useless (one looked a bit like ex-AKB member Yonezawa Rumi but oh well) and the service was so bad we had to nearly walk out without paying to get them to pay us any attention. Helpfully annoyed, we made our way to the 9nine event where we knew Watanabe (if you read my blog on Momoclo in France you'll know all about Watanabe...) was waiting, along with a Dorothy Little Happy wota called Ricardo (despite the name, he's Japanese) Dean was acquainted with. There was a Dorothy event after the 9nine event too, so Dean decided to hedge his bets and try to do both, whilst Watanabe and Ricardo were going to check out a group called Ultra Girl. The minilive proceeded in much the same manner as the day before, only this time it was outside and we'd managed to park ourselves on the side of a tree, just where the staff were placing the border of where you were allowed to stand, thus leaving us in full view of all of 9nine. The setlist too was the same, so when it came for the (Luv=)0 or H8? dancealong I was suitably prepared and danced along. Charpon spotted my attempts and gave me a thumbs up, so I can't have been doing too badly.

Come the highfive time, Dean asked to go first so he could make a mad dash back to Akiba for Dorothy, I once again had two tickets, though this time from two CDs, so I was happy to go whenever. Charpon immediately greeted me with a heartfelt "グレンく～ん！" which she did every fucking time she saw me thereafter. Not that I minded. Kanchan asked if I'd brought my friend along (Dean was before me, and I've no idea what he was saying), so I replied in the positive. Umika was less cold, probably because she'd seen me before and now had proof, of sorts, that I wasn't just some random foreigner who was coming to look at them like zoo animals. Hiroro was still buzzing from whatever Dean told her, so I just let her talk, and Ukky was as hyper as ever, thanking me in about 5 different ways for bringing someone along and also calling me Glen-kun. I hadn't told her in the first place so they must have been swapping stories between each other.

Dean scarpered, I hung around for a while before going again as I'd observed in Chiba the night before that when the queue winds down you get a little more time before being moved on whilst they attempt to find more people to go up, before they give up and let the hardcore wota go around 20 times in succession with about 3 seconds each. So the second time I got a bit more time and told them I'd be seeing them in Ikebukuro the next day for their "handover" event, and maybe even in Osaka. They seemed suitably impressed, and Umika warmed considerably after that. I always imagined her as a sadist, but maybe she's just a tsundere.

I hung around for a bit, filling out another little message on the confetti paper they're going to display at their Budoukan live, and got chatting to a guy about 9nine, idols in general, what constitutes good idol music, and a rundown of our favourite 5 idol albums. As it turns out, he was actually a member of Babyraids staff who was helping out the 9nine staff just for this event. He asked if I'd heard of Babyraids and I said I had, but I'd not yet found an incentive to get into them. I asked if there were any Babyraids events going on in the two weeks I was in Japan, and he replied in the negative. I said I'd check them out anyway and bid him farewell. Heading back to Akiba to find and reunite the musketeers, I went on a quest of epic proportions to find Wifi as Akiba Station's connection is the most unstable in Tokyo. Eventually I found some, in one tiny corner of the wrong side of the station, but it was enough to get Dean to tell me to meet him at Saizeriya. He also came out to meet me, for some reason. He must think my geography skills suck because I'm incapable of meeting him at station exits. It's not my geography skills, it's my social ones. I've never had to meet people at predetermined locations before.

At the Saizeriya, wota central, we got digging into some things. Watanabe offered to get me a ticket to the Diver City Idol Festival, which featured S/mileage and The Possible, along with Idoling Neo and some other groups, so I said okay as I wanted to see the Possible and Robin's birthday live was sold out. Best laid plans and all that. Ricardo and the other Dorothy wota were fun to talk to, even though I've still not actually listened to Dorothy, and we all had some fun times. Watanabe also offered to try to get me a ticket for Momoka's birthday concert at the Olympic Stadium, but having told 9nine I'd see them in Osaka I found it a hard promise to break, so regretfully declined.

Thursday 13th March

Thursday dawned wet, horrible, and utterly shit in general. More banging, crashing and general explosions filled the corridors of the "hotel", and the rain made it impossible to see out of the windows. Still, I had an event to go to. What's a bit of rain? I asked the manager of the place if she knew anywhere that sold umbrellas, she told me to use hers. She probably regretted it. Nippori was blowing a gale, Ikebukuro was a nightmare. The damn thing snapped a few times whilst I was walking around trying to find Lumine. Dean, the genius, had told me it was at the east exit. As it turns out it was physically attached to the Tobu department store at the South Exit. Could have saved me an umbrella. Anyway, having found the location, I headed for Shibuya to hit the Tower Records. Unfortunately the rain was so horrendous, I left and went back to Ikebukuro.

The event started and I had roughly no idea what to do, this being a "handover" event rather than a high five event. Seeing that other people in the queue had tickets I asked what I was supposed to do, luckily someone answered and I managed to save myself some embarassment by going up and buying some tickets. I started buying some for just Hiroro, Umika, Kanchan and Charpon. After going through and doing Hiroro though, in which she smiled incredibly cutely at me and gave me a CD, I decided it was harsh on Ukky so I bought one for her as well, plus another one each for Umika, Kanchan and Charpon.



I went through Ukky's line and got a nice smile and another CD, and this time a conversation in English. Or rather, her in English, me in Japanese. Seems weird to try to continue a conversation in each other's languages, but who cares.

After this I hung around a while, got bored, found some food, and waited for the second part to start with Umika, Charpon and Kanchan. Once it began, I quickly got into the line for Charpon and Kanchan (Umika's line was separate and about three times longer), and did Charpon first. Charpon was again all deredere and just really smiley and happy and cute. Kanchan still had people going to her at this juncture, so I went to Umika next. I asked her about any photobook release events, because I wanted it, and she told me them. Unfortunately they were after I came back to the UK.

So I went again, much of the same from Charpon, though Kanchan's queue was dwindling. They had to keep letting people jump the queue to let them see Kanchan. Kanchan asked what I did, so I told her I was the vocalist in a metal band. She was like, "Eh, you must be a good singer then!" I unfortunately had to reply in the negative, adding that I was one of those weird Death Vocalists. Umika seemed to get more and more into it the more you spoke to her, so it was nice getting her to open up. I said I'd be going to Osaka, so she asked if I'd be eating takoyaki. I said I didn't know. Thus began the takoyaki saga.

An innumerate amount of people were cluttering the corridor outside the HMV in Lumine, and staff kept circulating demanding that people stay away from the shop doors and the lifts and the middle of the corridors, lest the event be cancelled. They quite like throwing that around as a threat, I found.

Around this juncture a girl came up to me and gave me some little postcards she'd designed with 9nine's costumes on it. She's a cool person, her name is Ayase Ami, her twitter is here and you should follow her.

After 9nine had left, I met up with Dean for some more funtimes in Ikebukuro, and we went to a bar called Camden, which also had a ready supply of Brewdog beers. I had another Tokyo and an Alesmith Grand Cru, the last bottle they had. And a pizza, so my body wouldn't do what it had done to me on monday.

That night, as I got home, I checked twitter. Much to my chagrin, 9nine had announced another handover event for the next day, also in Ikebukuro. Diver City Idol Fest? Fuck that. So I went to bed secure in my (for a change) non-DDness.

Friday 14th March

The next morning I met Dean so he could show me the way to the Tower Records in Ikebukuro, so I wouldn't spend ages trying to find it, where I shelled out 10000 yen on tickets (Hiroro 1, Ukky 1, Umika 3, Charpon 2, Kanchan 2 and an extra Hiroro for Dean) and then went to Akabane to get some lunch. As you do. Going back I stopped in Shinjuku and Shibuya again to look around without getting rained on. Found nothing amazing, so headed back to Ikebukuro for the events, which were now switched around, probably to prevent Kanchan being ignored like she was the night before. 6pm was Hiroro, Kanchan and Charpon, 7:30 would be Umika and Ukky. It was also March 14th, known in Japan as White Day, so everyone was taking presents.



Dean came along, and brought his colleague with him, a Welsh boyo who lived in Chester for most of his life, who was also disturbingly good looking. His name was Miles. If he'd stepped out of a boyband picture, I wouldn't have noticed the difference. Between him and Dean, I felt positively Neanderthal. Anyway, at the event, I went ahead of Dean to Hiroro, just to tell her I brought my friend along because he was a big fan of hers. She grinned that grin she does, then turned it on Dean and never looked back. I tried to persuade Miles to buy a ticket for Hiroro, who he also found incredibly cute, but apparently attending an event like that wasn't cool enough for him so he decided against it. Probably just as well for Dean really. Extra competition and all that.

Kanchan finally asked my name, so I told her, and then also told her that I had a nickname but it was impossible to pronounce. I told her how to say it and she basically purred it. Never thought "Krv" could sound so erotic. I didn't tell her what it meant, luckily.

Charpon was basically the same as ever. Asked me if we did White Day in the UK. I said no, but then had a miraculous idea. I did Kanchan again and can't remember much about it. Then I went back to Charpon and told her that in the UK as Valentine's was men giving their girlfriends flowers and chocolate, March 14th was called Steak and Blowjob Day. Minus the blowjobs. Because steak is nicer than chocolate. She didn't believe me. Dean and Miles had ran away, more lessons to teach, so I hung around again, getting bored until the Umika/Ukky event started.

When I arrived back at Tower Records, I jumped straight into Ukky's queue, amazed to see it quite small. Then the staff approached me and let me know that that wasn't the end of the line, and directed me towards the staircase. The lines went down the stairs. I followed it down 3 floors before the end of the line. I was disturbed. Umika I can understand, but Ukky's was just as long. Then it was time for me to play the tutor, as a Japanese fan didn't know where to buy the little handover tickets from. I told him, feeling the amazingness of my wota growth, as it'd been me in that position merely the day before.

As the queue climbed the stairs and I reached the zenith, I told Ukky I was going to Osaka and got a fistbump for it, then got back in the line for Umika. After queuing for quarter of an hour, she mumbled something and I heard fucking none of it. I got back in the queue, and told her I'd heard none of what she said the last time. By the time she heard me, I was moved along again. I got back in the queue, and she asked if I was still coming to Osaka. I said yes, then got thrown back away again. That was it, my tickets gone. I went and bought some more, determined that I would say what I wanted to say. Umika's talking time was so much shorter. Fourth time, she asked again if I was having takoyaki. I still didn't know, and replied to that effect. Moved along. Fifth time I can't even remember. And that was that. At least from seeing her 5 times she probably figured she was my oshi, but still.

I headed home and got to sleep, as Osaka in the morning.

Saturday 15th March

I had to get up insanely early to catch a stupidly early train to get to Osaka before 1pm, when the first event was, so I decided to sleep mostly on the train, which was in hindsight probably a good idea. Shin-Osaka station is a nightmare to navigate as it is, so doing so sleep-deprived would have probably made it worse. Having transferred over to Osaka station and jumping on the Loop Line, I was aghast at how backwards it was compared to the Yamanote. On the Yamanote, you have real-time screens telling you which is the next station, what lines change, as well as clear bilingual announcements on the tannoy. On the Loop line you get a guy mumbling incomprehensibly over the tannoy, and maybe a map if you're lucky. I knew I had to get off at Tennouji, but I had absolutely no clue how many stops it was, which direction it was in, or anything. So I had to resort to looking at the boards on every platform we came to. Eventually I did get off at the right station, exactly 180 degrees down from Osaka. Bloody thing. Upon leaving the station several things became immediately apparent: the heat was disturbing; the number of people was going to be difficult; and Abeno Harukas, the new tallest building in Japan (not counting the Skytree because it's just a glorified antenna) was right opposite the plaza where 9nine's event was to be held, reflecting the sun right onto it.

Just fucking brilliant.

After finding myself a good place (on the right hand side of the stage, as I ended up doing at all but one of the events for some strange reason), I settled in to enjoy the mini-live. The pre-show soundcheck went wrong, for a change. Charpon was not happy with her levels and basically told the sound engineer over the microphone how to fix it. I suppose even idols can have hidden talents, maybe she should be their soundtech as well. They came out with a slightly different setlist in Osaka, with the replacement of Colourful with Shoujo Traveller and the addition of the frankly win B-side to With You/With Me, called Positive (in Japanese it's a pun but I can't be bothered to explain it. Here's the Japanese title: ポジティ部, google the kanji and you'll probably get it). I actually prefer the live version to the studio one, just because Kanchan's voice is so much less professional when she's getting into it live so it sounds more amusing. Either way, it was a good live with no repeats of the sound engineering failure.

Come the high fives, Charpon once again radiated peace, happiness and general bonhomie at me. These things really elevated her up my rankings. Kanchan was happy I'd even come to her hometown, and told me to explore. I sort of did so I don't feel too guilty. Umika once again asked me if I'd eaten takoyaki yet. Fucking single track minded or what? I told her I'd yet to do so.

Now, interestingly, Hiroro immediately asked, "Did you bring your friend today?" with an eager look on her face. I regretfully informed her that Dean had to work so he couldn't come all the way to Osaka for it. She looked minorly gutted. Ukky once again continued her crusade of trying to speak English. I once again completely ignored her futile attempts and continued in Japanese. Second time around was much the same, just without the takoyaki.

Thinking about takoyaki, I decided to find some. Then, looking at the giant building of death, I decided actually, that looked cooler. So I climbed it. At first, the woman guarding the lift told me in a bastardised mixture of Japanese and English that was harder to understand than pure Japanese would have been that the elevator to the viewing deck was out of commission that day, and that I'd have to go inside and take a lift to the second floor viewing deck. Confused, I headed inside and started climbing the department store escalators, and stairs when I couldn't find those. I found a nice little courtyard at the 10th floor, at the 16th floor I found an open and working observation deck (the woman lied to me), and above that was the Marriott Hotel. There was apparently another observation deck being built on the top, so I decided to try to find that as well. There were two staircases going perpedicular to each other, simple bit of leg swinging sorted that. I climbed to about the 35th floor before realising belatedly that there was another 9nine event in about half an hour, and if I didn't start going back down soon I wouldn't make it. So I grabbed a few photos and went back down the other way.

Back in the plaza, they neglected to soundcheck yet again, so they went straight into the usual Colourful setlist, with the addition of Positive again. The high-fives were also much the same, with Umika's takoyaki enthusiasm continuing apace, and the rest still giving me much the same level of service as usual. At least, they hadn't yet attained a level of "this gaijin has no life..." I think, anyway.

Charpon finally asked if I actually lived in Japan, so I told her no. I told her I was on holiday and that I was basically so far only attending 9nine events. Then she asked something I'd never heard before, whether I was doing 宣伝. I looked appropriately lost and got moved along. The next time, she asked when I was going home, so I told her "next Sunday" and she was minorly disappointed. Wanted to know if I was going to Budoukan to see them. I said I'd try.

Other than Charpon not much else happened in Osaka, so I hung around for a while before realising light was escaping and I was wanting more pictures, so I left the Osaka fans to content with the hardcore circlers and got back on the Loop Line back to Osaka. At Osaka station I realised there were actually two pretty tall buildings on top of the station, so I decided to climb those too. I seemed to like climbing too much that day. I did at least get a good picture out of it.

Sated, I shinkansened the fuck back to Tokyo and slept.

Sunday 16th March

Sunday's 9nine event was in Kawasaki, which I had basically no idea where it was or how to get there. Luckily hyperdia helped out and I ended up in Kanagawa instead of Saitama. The mall the event was held in was attached to the train station, which helped a lot. The crowd around the stage was already pretty huge, the biggest yet, as Sunday noon shoppers stopped to gawk (and exclaim loudly over Umika's cuteness). Getting a place was hard and I pretty much ended up about as far to the edge on the right hand side as was physically possible. Again. The first performance followed the same idea as the Osaka one from the day before, with Shoujo Traveller replacing Colourful. The crowd once the minilive was over and the high-fives started remained huge, so I held back for a while before heading up to do the handshakes. The first thing that crossed my mind was "Oh fuck it's all backwards." This time I had to deal with Ukky first, then Hiroro, Umika, Kanchan and Charpon. Ukky did her usual "SANKYU!!!!!" and quirky smile. Hiroro once again inquired after Dean, who was absent due to his wife's birthday. I promptly told this to Hiroro and her smile seemed to fade a little. Whether because she'd become a bit of a Dean-oshi and was disappointed he was married I don't know, but I felt sorry for making her lose some of her epic grin.

Umika, as ever, kept on about the fucking takoyaki. Eventually I sort of lied to make her talk about something else. Kanchan was cute as ever and Charpon again sort of melted my heart. Second time around was much the same, after seeing them so many times in so few days things to talk about were limited.

Before the second live, I decided to sneak forward in the crowd whilst people were doing other things, either high-fiving or whatever. I got out my book to tide me over until the second live, an hour away, and must have looked like a complete nutter. Relatively overweight gaijin stood in the middle of a shopping mall plaza reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy whilst waiting for an idol event. In the middle of my reading, Ayase Ami once again came up to me and gave me some more of her cool illustration postcards. Girl is a legend.

The second live proceeded in much the same manner as the first, with the Colourful setlist instead. Second high-five event came around, I debated asking them some weird questions as it'd be my last time, but instead it just turned into a prolonged farewell, with Charpon demanding I come see them at Budoukan and Umika finally calling me by name (even though I'd never told her it. Damn backstage hijinks). I also belatedly told Umika she was my oshi, even though takoyaki apocalypse happened.

I hit the train, headed back to Tokyo, and slept, my 9nine adventure over. Through it I found my 9nine favourite order change quite a bit. Before this week, I was firmly Umika oshi, then several leagues below came Hiroro, then Kanchan, Ukky and Charpon. After this week, I was still Umika oshi, but Charpon and Kanchan had basically turned me DD, and my ranking would look more like Umika > Charpon > Kanchan > Hiroro > Ukky. So yes, quite the turnaround.

Final damage:



Thus, the first week of my Japan trip over, and soon the voice will return again, to divulge the altogether stranger second part of the story, week 2...

Babymetal - Babymetal review

So, in somewhat of a return to normal service, ie. that of sporadic posting due to lack of ideas of anything else to post (except a hearty "lol" in the general direction of AKB's latest shakeup), I've decided to do a review. Instead of doing one on my growing list of albums to review (which currently stands at about 10) I figured I'd do an album that was released yesterday.

My list of things to review for future reference:
AeLL. - with AeLL.
Afilia Saga's album
Cheeky Parade I
C-ute's 8th Album
Denpagumi's newest one
Fruitpochette's debut
nanoCUNE's debut
NMB's Teppen Tottande
Super Girls' third album
Yuikaori's second album

I don't feel like even listening to AKB's newest one so I'll not review that, and SKE's first album is so "best of" style I don't really want to do that either. How many of these reviews will actually get done is debatable. I know I have to review Denpagumi's, because I like it. Cheeky Parade had some good bits, and nanoCUNE's started off well and then I can't remember the rest. Those aside, probably just gonna sit in my head and never be written up. Not enough hours in the day.

Anyway, Babymetal. I've never really hidden how much I like them. I've reviewed their songs that made it onto the Sakugaku CDs, but until now I've never had the chance to gush fully about them on this blog. I did most of the previous gushing on Beat Laments the World, leaving LI slightly lacking in it.

Preamble: One of the CD covers is shit, the other is impossible to find in a resolution exceeding 300x300px so have a poster instead. As ever, keep your mouse handy. Need to sort out link colour at some point.

1. BABYMETAL DEATH. Nice title to start with. We start with choirs and strings, and reverbed to fuck mic-banging instead of drums. I know it's mic banging with reverb to fuck because I did it on a record 7 years ago and subsequently forgot how to do it. Until I remember I can never re-record A Brief Repose Amidst the Screams of Torture with half decent production. But oh well, off topic. When has that ever stopped me? Anyway, metal starts. The mix is brutal: guitars, bass and drums all sort of meld into one percussive instrument of absolute terror. Then deathvox. Much lulz. Then we get riffs. Riffs, glorious riffs. Melodic death metal riffs. Thrash metal riffs. Brutal death metal riffs. And actually more-than-competent versions of all. If In Flames had come up with some of these Melodeath riffs, people might still take them seriously. Lack of vocals from the three girls is slightly disappointing, one day Moa and Yui should actually scream. They are supposedly "scream and dance" after all. Riff in the middle 8 is vaguely Nile, which is cool. Then we have ultimate death metal solo. Completely off the wall and all over the fucking place. Not ashamed to say I jizzed the first time I heard it. And most of the times since. 10/10

2. メギツネ. You hear that? That is the sound of my soul being torn asunder and flung heedless into the eternal void of damnation. Death metal and gagaku. My life is complete. Oh, and techno. Suppose there had to be some trade-off. The little pre-verse bit in this is vaguely reminiscient of Berryz Koubou's Yuke Yuke Monkey Dance. Bloody chikichiki wasshoi. Or whatever. Still, hnnnnnnnnnngh. Then Suzuka. Her vocals are so amazing in this my mind breaks. It's like what happens to me when I hear Wudstik sing. Wudstik, for those who don't know, is a Dutch urban/RnB/rap artist. He's also the greatest prog rock/metal vocalist of the 21st century. Why he raps is a mystery to me. Same with Suzuka. She's capable of being a glorious metal lead singer, why the hell did she even do the idol thing in the first place? Though I am glad she did, otherwise I'd have enjoyed Karen Girl's and Sakugaku a lot less. The breakdown is weird, a little techdeath before it, then Sakura death metal version with screaming over it. All I can say about this song is "damn." 10/10

3. ギミチョコ！！ So, a new song for the album. Written by Ueda Takeshi, from the Mad Capsule Markets, this song evinces some of that band's usual level of utter uniqueness, such as blasting through verses and choruses which don't sound like either and back out again in a matter of seconds. He did at least level up the metal side of things, and added a few bits of techno into it. Moa and Yui's verses are amusing, as you'd expect from anything they do. Suzuka's vocals in the chorus aren't at Megitsune level, but that's probably because she's singing about chocolate and it's hard to do a serious vibrato when singing about chocolate. Then the guitar solo. Honestly, when I first heard it, as a really shitty quality radio rip, I thought Jeff Hanneman and Kerry King had randomly decided to do it. Then I remembered that Hanneman died last year. Holy fuck they brought someone back from the dead to do an utterly fucking brutal Slayer solo on a Babymetal song. Dat guitar wailing near the end of it is pure Raining Blood. Still, not the best song, loses a mark for not letting Suzuka shine enough and being too short. 9/10

4. いいね！ Techno techno techno. Oh, and brutality. Screaming. Syncopation yay. My mind enjoyed this song when it came out. So metal yet so not metal. Progressive though. As I've pointed out before it's the closest a Jpop song has ever come to a rhapsody, featuring 11 consecutive sections of music. The rap bit always makes me laugh. But hell, what doesn't on this song? The breakdown after the rap bit is pure fucking evil. Then the most melodic and sexy death metal riff ever to exist. Then sexy techno. This song is all over the place, but it's the one that made me sit up and think "hold on, they could be on to something here." The ending bit with Suzuka doing the "Yay Yay" gave a hint to her future potential as a metal goddess too. 10/10

5. 紅月-アカツキ-. Suzuka's first solo song, and holy fuck is it omgwtfawesomeballs. The most openly power metal song on this album, it takes you by the balls and then rips them off. After sweetly serenading them at the start. This shows Suzuka at her peak. And shit is it amazing. The music comes across sort of half-Dragonforce, half-Light Bringer, and Suzuka just melds it all together and shows that, though she might not quite be on Fuki's level as a vocalist yet, she's getting there. The solo in this is a nice little dual, and complimented in the stage performance by Suzuka fighting with a body double. It's also a really long solo, which idol music in general needs more of. Overall this is just pure sex. The lyrics are also quite memorable, to the extent that I don't think I've ever seen them written down yet can sing along perfectly well. This one is a highlight. 10/10

6. ド・キ・ド・キ☆モーニング. It's arrived. When I first reviewed this song, quite a long time ago on Sakugaku's first album, I gave it 10/10. For the time, it was ballsy. Mixing double bass drumming with downtuned guitars and Jpop. I did make a slight postscript saying that the 10/10 was for sheer balls though. As a piece of music, and especially preceded by what has been five tracks of twisted genius, it suffers. It is just a generic, bog-standard piece of Jpop, that someone's gone back to, and said "let's replace all those silly synth sounds with a 7string guitar, that'll get attention". It worked, entirely too well. It got the attention, and led to vastly improved songs and structures and, well, everything really. Honestly, I think it's time they retired this song. It feels so out of place now amongst their current songs that it sort of drags down any show they play it. It deserves respect for being the starting line, but no more. Still, some of it is cute. 5/10

7. おねだり大作戦. This song cracks me up so much. It is basically a Limp Bizkit song. I mean that in the least offensive way possible, in that it sounds like a song from their first album, which was actually quite competent compared to their middle and later works and ranks well against their contemporaries in Korn and Disturbed as one of the nu-metal albums I hate the least. Yui and Moa shine at being at the most annoying children can get, trying any means to get their dads to buy them shit. The prechorus with strings and choirs is interesting and utterly random. Then the chorus starts with them saying they're going to marry their dad (apparently that type of thing is seen as cute... I guess people do call it "wincest"...) and then back into the nu-metal groove thingy. The mid-8 breakdown randomly throws in something that goes "One for the money, two for the money, three for the money, money money money money" which doesn't remind me of Nu-metal, but instead of Shane McMahon's old WWE theme music), followed by what I think is actually a full-on guest appearance by Fred Durst to do his "haaaaaa!" thing. And then it just all becomes far too silly. Either way, much as I should hate it on principle, I love it. 9/10

8. 4の歌. This is a Yui and Moa one too, and was also apparently written by them. If that's true, then I applaud them, as it's not half bad, even if they did only write the melodies. Certainly when I was 14 I wasn't writing stuff this good (but then, I didn't have an arranger and these two had tatsuo and KxBxMetal who also arranged Onedari Daisakusen, and I did do something better when I was 15...) but that aside, I applaud them. It's not particularly complex, neither lyrically, melodically nor structurally, but the chorus is quite nice. The breakdown is intriguing, and then wtf reggae. This is blasphemous. But hilarious. Metal needs more random reggae interludes. 8/10

9. ウ・キ・ウ・キ★ミッドナイト. More techno metal, following on from Ii Ne. This has some sexy guitars in the intro and also some dubstep breaks that don't suck too much. Suzuka's vocals are good as ever, and the prechorus amuses me. Those metalcore chords with the back-and-forth between Suzuka and the deathvox guy. Then chorus again and breakdown. But instead of metal breakdown, dubstep breakdown. This is actually a good one, it sounds in line with the sound and doesn't do a stupid version of it. This is basically what Narasaki was going for when he did Momoclo's BIRTH Ø BIRTH, but failed spectacularly at it. The last prechorus is somehow cute as hell and awesome at the same time. The lyrics to this song make me laugh too, all this random gyaru and kid-slang in metal lyrics. I'd never even heard agepoyo used outside of gyaru culture before this, now I just try and imagine Suzuka as a gyaru and die laughing. 9/10

10. Catch Me If You Can. Honestly, at first I thought that if any song on this album was written by a guy from Mad Capsule Markets, this would be the one. But it's actually a Narasaki song. Weird, because it sounds so Mad Capsule Markets it's nearly a joke. The crazy drumming sound very digital hardcore, as do the guitars constantly distorted out of any sense of normality and the stupidly high compression levels on the mastering. Still, the chorus is catchy as a really catchy thing, Moa and Yui do some good vocals, and it's all just pretty fun. Random clapping before the last chorus is also intriguing. The riffs are pretty brutal when you can make any sense of them under all the distortion. Still, far too short. 9/10

11. 悪夢の輪舞曲. And it's Meshuggah time. Another Suzuka solo, they decided to let it all out and go as ridiculous as possible. And how! This is brutal, as djent as it comes whilst not becoming a parody of itself. And Suzuka somehow manages to sing over it. I thought Djent at least was safe from the onset of clean vocals. Obviously not. Idol Djent should be a thing. And Suzuka has powered up again. The chorus is gloriously minor key, brutal and hauntingly grim in equal measures. That piano does the latter bit. The mid-8 goes full on crazy with a djenting breakdown and Suzuka pulling off a half decent vibrato through the beginning, and then singing gloriously over a piano near the end. Dammit Suzuka, how can you win so much? 10/10

12. ヘドバンギャー！！ Only my favourite Babymetal song. Hello again sexy harpsichords and strings. Hello sexy and brutal riffs. One day I will finish tabbing this song. But not today. After Dokidoki Morning gave them an idea, and Ii Ne sort of gave them a direction, Headbanger basically became their first proper metal song. And holy shit, it's awesome. Narasaki may have failed Momoclo, but he has succeeded Babymetal most assuredly. The verse, chorus, and everything all just sort of work, are metal as fuck yet function as maintaining idolness. The guitar solo is a clusterfuck of amazingness. But yea, the harpsichords push this above and beyond. I fucking love... LOVE... moist towelettes harpsichords. 10/10

13. イジメ、ダメ、ゼッタイ. And it's time for amazingness. I really hope I can get to a Babymetal concert at some point, just so I can show people how to headbang properly. But in this song, there's also a wall of death. Considering Japanese people are about the same height as me (as opposed to 90% of metal gigs I go to where everyone is 6'3" and made of solid steel) I might actually survive it. These riffs are power metal and thrash metal but also just fucking pure win. Suzuka's scream isn't half bad. And then the dual guitars. Shwing. Suzuka owns this. The guitars also own this. The whole song is fucking pure gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. And then, a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal, or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now... Sorry, went all Clockwork Orange on it. The duelling guitar solo is also a notable point of absolute epic.  10/10

Overall: Obviously, I'm taking marks off for laziness. Out of thirteen songs only three are new. Also, Dokidoki Morning premiered in like 2011, so that's a while back. However, it's still a coherent, stable and glorious album. It also gains marks back for being what it is, an album that spans metal and idols and doesn't actually give a shit, makes fans of both happy, and also makes tempers flare. It's amazing. Definitely something that doesn't happen often.

9.1/10

Also, because I can, I'm linking my band's tribute to Moametal, simply because she is the most metal being in the world.

2014 Top Idol List: 10-1

Greetings mortals, and welcome back to the countdown of impressive idols who impress me by doing impressive things. Or something along those lines. This time we come to the top ten, those who make me think this year will be all about their awesomeness. Usually my thoughts are completely wrong, but I reckon I'll get it perfectly right one year.

20-11 was filled with 48 girls. 10-1 is also filled with girls, but I can't remember if they're 48 or not yet. Probably. If you have 250 idols you're sort of decimating the field. Anyway, some recapping action:

20-11 went a little something like this:

20. Yogi Keira
19. Ego Yuna
18. Tani Marika
17. Shiraishi Mai
16. Jonishi Kei
15. Kimoto Kanon
14. Shiroma Miru
13. Murashige Anna
12. Nakamoto Suzuka
11. Nabilah Ratna Ayu Azalia

Once again the rules:

1. I define idols as current members of a current group who currently release idol music, or solo singers who do the same and are generally defined as idols.
2. If a former member of an idol group redebuts under a different name or as a solo singer, or both, and is still primarily known as an idol, they qualify.
3. However, members of retrospective groups that merely take the limelight away from current members do not.

And top ten time.

10. Suzuki Airi (°C-ute)
(9/8/3/10)

Airi is basically this list's eternal mainstay. I can't see her going a whole year without impressing me somehow. This year her photogenic reign of tyranny continued, she kept being a really cute and derpy mindjob spanner and did some weird song with Risako. She came to Paris, again, and this time I actually met her, nearly got moe'd to death, and still utterly failed at taking a decent picture of her. Her vocals have remained consistently steady, and yea, another year of awesome to come. Probably. Usually is.

9.  Ariyasu Momoka (Momoiro Clover Z)
(-/-/7/8)

What would Momoclo do without their token pint-sized mini moe? Despite spending the first quarter of the year being unable to talk, due to an operation on nodules or something. What resulted was adorable. After recovering, she's still incapable of pronouncing anything, still sings like a fucking rocker, and it's still all fine. I'm hoping that this year, without a hampered start, she gets the best year ever. And a photobook or something.

8. Ishida Ayumi (Morning Musume.)
(-/-/-/4)

I think it's fair to say Ayumi saved Momusu for me. What with electrodancemusume and '14 and whatever the hell tosspot idea Tsunku thinks up next going on, Ayumi is refreshingly simple. Not in a dig at her intelligence way, just that she's happy to take things as they come and move on. Her poor character courtesy of 2ch probably introduced her to people in a big way, and even now she's probably riding somewhat unknowing on the coattails of that. But yea, she still stands out the most for me in Momusu. She stood out by far the most in Juice=Juice when she covered for Karin, but that's to be expected. J=J seem pretty dull to me at present. Still, this past year, with glorious (though mildly plagiarised) photobook and the cutest reactions on that wake-up-concert-prank thing, she's riding high again. Now she just needs to bump off Riho and take the centre spot for herself...

7. Nakagawa Haruka (JKT48)
(-/-/16/-)

Oh Harugon. More than a year in Jakarta has changed her nearly beyond recognition. When she left she was slowly being pushed backwards, as younger and fresher girls were taking her place. Cue an adult image-change, disassociation from her nickname, and a transfer. I don't think many expected her to last long. I doubt fewer still expected her to emerge not only unscathed, but approaching conversational fluency (though pronunciation lacking) in Indonesian, getting a role in an Indonesian drama (along with Stella, also formerly of JKT, and Gackt. Fucker is still everywhere) and basically fitting in better than she did in AKB. Takajo has been left behind in the dust, splitting her time between AKB and JKT means neither gets her full attention and it shows, she's seemingly fading. Harugon, on the other hand, sat out the election, and instead took centre in the JKT version of Koisuru Fortune Cookie. Not bad for a mid-line girl whose only claim to fame before JKT was being in Mayuyu's glorified solo unit before they decided to let girls go solo. I see Haruka getting only better from here, and watch out world.

6. Akiyoshi Yuka (HKT48)
(-/-/-/-)

There's something oddly refreshing about watching young idols who actually act like children. Some often grow up incredibly quickly in the pressure-rich environment (see Matsui Jurina and Kudou Haruka, for example), so when you get the occasional Kago-Tsuji, Sato Masaki or Akiyoshi Yuka, you can't help but be amazed by their ability to stay young at heart throughout it all. Granted, with Kago it sort of went horribly wrong somewhere, but still. Akiyoshi, if you don't know, is in HKT. She's just been promoted to Team H, but she made her name as a kenkyuusei. This year HKT had two programmes that stuck in my mind: Tonkotsu Mahou Shoujo Gakuin, and Odekake. On the former, Akiyoshi decided to ask the guests any number of rude questions, but with an air of childish innocence that made it impossible for any of the guests or producers to get pissed off at her. Odekake gave us this gem, among other things. So yes. We'll see what the future holds, but it looks pretty good.

5. Kawashima Umika (9nine)
(-/1/8/3)

Much as with Airi, it seems like it's almost impossible for Umika to have a bad year. This time around, she acted in one of the weirdest but most amusing dramas I've ever seen, called Pin to Kona! which is about kabuki. Because, you know, kabuki rocks. She was also in Tank Top Fighter with Ono Erena (which was quite good until I stopped watching when dramacrazy decided to jack in and I moved over to other places which didn't work), and the latest incarnation of the ever expanding backwards, forwards, sideways and in no general direction at all Spec. Musically, 9nine have ripped off Yes, Ayreon and Perfume and got away with it this year, and now they're the new ending theme of the Magi anime, an honour formerly reserved for shitty J-rock bands and Nogizaka46, so it's some exposure. Anyway, new photobook coming in March. Probably some more amusing drama roles. 2014 looks sweet.

4. Michishige Sayumi (Morning Musume.)
(12/10/17/-)

With Sayu's leadership now in full swing, it's easy to underestimate her influence. Whilst leaders of H!P past have been pretty uncontroversial, Sayu seemed to get quite a bit of hate from Reina fans who thought that a narcissist wasn't best placed to be in charge. Well, she's proven that wrong quite conclusively. On the balance of things, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Sayu is the best leader Momusu has had since Yuko. Kaori was so laid back she was horizontal. Yossie was cool and drove them forward but didn't really function as an idol at the same time. Yaguchi and Mikitty... well, the less said the better. Aichan was just a large wall of blandness who got in the way of more interesting members and probably did more to hurt Momusu as a whole than Kago, and Gaki helped get the 9th and 10th gens in shape but ultimately was a minor relic. Sayu though, occupies sort of the same position as Yuko did. Far older than anyone else in the group. World of experience (though with Sayu at least it's idol-based, not OL-based as Yuko had) and manages somehow to keep them somewhat functioning as a team, whilst not leaving their own character in a rut. As it is, Sayu still feels just as fresh as the other members, perfectly happy playing silly games with them or doing the dancing and singing, which she still sort of sucks at, but it's not like she's out of place like Yuko was. At this rate she could go another five years and I doubt anyone would notice that she was 17 years older than the youngest member of the 15th gen or something. She's just impressed the shit out of me. Well done Sayu.

3. Motomura Aoi (HKT48)
(-/-/-/-)

I wrote a bit on my year in review about Kojima Fujiko. I called her an utterly indolent wastrel, which is true. She also has a smile which sort of closes her eyes at the same time, I suppose you could call it a "shit-eating grin" or something if you wanted. Motomura Aoi has that same smile. Aoitan is HKT's queen of crying her fucking eyes out. She cries at almost everything. Or so you think. Until they went camping on an episode of Odekake, and she randomly took control, brushed everyone else aside, started a fire using the power of her mindtwigs and stones, and pretty much did everything because most of HKT are cute but utterly useless. So now she was the crybaby who was the fire venus. But wait. On another episode of Odekake they did some more outdoor stuff. Aoitan found some worms and bugs and then took great delight in tormenting the other girls with them, then pissed them off by giggling the entire time. She's also a spanner. Definite one to watch.

2. Okada Nana (AKB48)
(-/-/-/-)

I had thought, when I wrote my list last year, that my top spot in AKB was practically guaranteed to be Iwata Karen. Twelve months later, and I can't see anyone displacing Nana. This year she's been promoted to Team 4 and been the standout girl of that team in my eyes. Her face is capable of such a wide variety of amusing expressions, yet somehow Ooya Shizuka on AKBingo made her the most recognisable member of any generation since the 10th with one simple phrase: "Ain't you taking it too seriously!?" Since then, Nana's had AKBingo specials all about her "majime" character, and how far she can be led astray if given directions by those she holds in a position above herself. It's a character, but it's an amusing one. She's also fantastic to look at, so yes. Probably a good one to keep an eye on. Not gonna declare her my AKB oshi though, as history shows that I'm never gonna have another one for more than a few months.

1. Oota Aika (HKT48)
(-/-/9/-)

This entry pretty much mirrors that of Harugon above. Middle-row AKB member in Mayu's shadow transfers and suddenly finds a new lease of life. Only with Lovetan, it's not translated to increased popularity so much as increased influence. Though her popularity has risen too, I suppose. But yes, when Team KIV finally starts, it's Lovetan who'll be leading the charge. Considering she was once one of the youngest of AKB, she's overcome her younger cohorts and become truly powerful simply by relating her experiences. It's interesting to think that during the whole of 2013, HKT lost a total of one member. Other groups lost them by the hatful. I put it down to increased responsibility for Sasshi (who was obviously proven right in how she attempted to handle the HKT scandal vs the theatre manager at the time, who is no longer theatre manager but Sasshi is) and Lovetan. Between the two of them they've turned HKT into a functioning unit. Their combined experience as a pushed-to-shit-and-then-scandalled and clean-as-a-whistle-but-displaced-by-newcomers obviously keeps their youngers in check, making sure that they retain their characters and yet never cross the boundaries (or at least, visibly. There are rumours circulating about Sakura, Aoitan and someone else seeing blokes, but who honestly cares as long as they're still performing well?). Besides that, what does Lovetan have over Sasshi that gets her on the list but not Sasshi? Well, a wicked sense of humour, when she's on her game. Lovetan is one of the few girls who you really do have to wonder if that twinkle in their eye is just the lighting or if they actually are really sadists who want to hurt you. In a nice way. She's also gloriously sexy. And still capable of being heart-stoppingly moe when she so desires. So, impressed in 2013. Massive hope for 2014 now she's officially a captain, and that hot mess called Watarirouka Hashiritai is getting disbanded too so maybe even more of a hint of a coming breakout moment. We'll see. For now, she's my #1 pick for greatness.


So there you have it, my list for the year. Two posts in a week. It's like rain falling on the Sahara or something. Doubt it'll happen again soon, unless I drastically change my blogging habits. Still, never hurts to hold out some hope...

Beats of 2013

This has been a bit of an odd year musically for me. Once again, idols utterly failed to release a great deal that I found particularly interesting. Momoclo had a great idea but it was let down a little in execution, and both H!P and AKB have disappointed me. I've been gradually exploring more and more indie idols due to this, with mixed results, but that's sorted out one entry on this list at least.  Metal has once again been a mixed bag, with at least one standout release that ripped me a new one. Prog has done me in again this year, with most of my albums coming from that end of the spectrum. Last year's inclusion of jazz nutcases Panzerballett also led to me doing some jazz listenings this year, one of which made it onto my bottom half list at LI.

Originally I planned for this post to be like last year, with all of the Beats crew chipping in. However, that never materialised. Eventually I asked wu if he wanted to do a roundtable where we review our own favourites of the year, and then throw them at each other to see if we could find anything to love in each other's faves. But that was back in December and I've not heard from him since then, so I figured I'd just get on and release this considering it's been sat as a draft on here for about a month and a half now.

So yes: albums you should have listened to last year, by Krv.

ChthoniC - Bú-Tik

Song pick: Supreme Pain for the Tyrant

So, ChthoniC strike back. They've come a long way from the days I used to admin their forum and get reviews published on their album sleeves; nowadays the press following them is more professional and Doris is a sex symbol. I moaned two years ago that Takasago Army suffered somewhat from their change in the way they wrote songs, writing Taiwanese folk or enka songs and then metallising rather than the opposite. This time they've sorted out that minor problem, and refocused into utter carnage. In this respect it's sort of the opposite from Ayreon. Seediq Bale, Mirror of Retribution and Takasago Army comprised a (George Lucas ordered: with the third installment being released before the second) trilogy based around Taiwan's occupation and subjugation by Imperial Japan, and then the Second World War, and then the Chinese nationalist takeover thereafter. Freed from the constraints of this story, they chose to present a chronology of battles through Taiwan's history, leading to a much more focused and violent record than any since Seediq Bale. And it works, especially as they've all matured as musicians since then. Jesse's riffs are more biting than ever, and no longer can they be classified by genre as they used to be. He can be playing the most black metal thing ever written in a Chinese mode while chugging metalcore behind it. Since Seediq Bale I complained there were no true "anthems" in Chthonic's discography since Onset of Tragedy (from 2002's Relentless Recurrence), but Takao from Takasago ended that drought. However, this time there are about 7 songs I could have chosen for my song pick here. In the end I chose the one that had the coolest video, but so many to choose from is disturbing. Glorious album. Hopefully they release a DVD of their joint show with Babymetal in February.

Orphaned Land - All is One

Song pick: All is One

It's not often a metal album picks "being fucking nice to each other" as its theme, but Orphaned Land have done just that with their newest album. If you didn't know, Orphaned Land are from Israel. They're comprised (last I heard) of a melting pot in and of themselves, with Israeli Jews, Arabic Muslims and Levantine Christians all comprising membership in the band at some point. They're banned in a bunch of Arab League countries simply for being from Israel, but at their heart is a message of "stop fucking shooting each other, fools", which I wholeheartedly agree with. They have about as much respect for the Israeli establishment as you'd expect from a metal band, yet their new album is probably more prog than metal. It's as beautiful as anything I can ever remember having heard, mixing Arabic and Northern African influences with Jewish ones, weaving them with prog and metal, and then singing about politics on top. If you've heard of Myrath, it's a bit like that, just a bit more heartfelt. I think the last time I remember hearing a metal album this good that spoke about peace and harmony was Lykathea Aflame's Elvenefris, not that you could tell from the music. Still, worth a listen and a call to the local Israeli consulate that it's time to stop fucking around with Palestine and just get on with their lives.

Bellring Shoujo Heart - Bed Head

Song pick: [audio:http://www.intlwota.com/metalhead/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/13-Ice-Cream.mp3]

Bellring Shoujo Heart, if you've never heard of them, are an idol group. A rather bizarre idol group who seem to be stuck standing with one foot in a timewarp back to the 60s, but an idol group nonetheless. This, their first album, presents such a weird and wonderful mix of bizarre, progressive and downright out-there songs that you'll be checking what colour of tweed your jacket is, then realising it's in black and white. Some songs sound like they emerged fully-formed from the 60s, and some sound like they emerged from prog bands of the present, such as the song above which is more Muse than Muse are nowadays. The girls themselves are also gloriously bizarre. Mizuho is my favourite, probably, simply because she seems so utterly unenthusiastic in her proclaimations of enthusiasm. TIRA is also cute as a really cute thing. So cute, in fact, that the Japanese government won't give her a visa, so at the moment they're reduced to six members. Either way, the best idol album in fucking years, and if it hadn't been for slightly lacking production, possibly ever.

Ihsahn - Das Seelenbrechen

Song pick: NaCl

So, Ihsahn's released (another) new album, this time in a bit of a new style. He's gone fully experimental, and it's up there among the best things he's ever done. I like Ihsahn's solo stuff before this. After was a sexy piece of saxophonic aural violence, and The Adversary, angL and Eremita all had some nice stuff on them. Also, I quite enjoyed Hardingrock, and of course you can't mention Ihsahn without the now (once again) reformed Emperor, of which three of their four full-length albums were masterpieces of the black metal genre. So what does Das Seelenbrechen bring us that's new, other than a German title? Well, less black metal, for one. Jazz, progressive and noises best describe this album. There's also a song which sounds more like a Starofash/late Peccatum song than anything Ihsahn's ever tried doing without his wife, Ihriel, featuring on it prominently. It's called Pulse and it's a sexy piece of jazzy triphop. The opener, Hiber, got stuck in my head on first spin and has stuck there since. Regen sounds like Änglagård up until it becomes bombastic as fuck. Tacit 2 and Tacit (in that order) are progressive drone like you'd get from Khanate followed by jazz excursions into insanity. Rec starts slow then goes prog as fuck, M is a droning ambient sonicscape that reminds me of Thorns, and See is the most brutal song on the album in a way: it'll rip your skin off and leave it hanging on a stick. In a way, this is Ihsahn just doing what he wants. It all progresses slowly into a weird mess of gloriousness. Thank fuck for Ihsahn.

Haken - The Mountain

Song pick: The Cockroach King

This won't surprise anyone really. After the amazing debut of Aquarius and the pretty fucking awesome followup Visions, Haken did some soul-searching (and Tom and Hen took a break to record To-Mera's Exile album, also a must listen) and came back with this, their best record yet. In a way, they mixed the two sides that the first two albums showed off so well: the bizarre circus atmosphere and weird song structures of Aquarius with the maturity and gravity of Visions. What we ended up with is several slices of really sexy music that is sexier than a really sexy thing bathing in a really sexy bathtub full of sexy chocolate. Or something. I can't really say much more than that it's fucking awesome and you should be listening to it right now. Stop reading this and listen.

Tooting my own flute: My band released another album, called Elemental. Pay for a beer for me by buying it. But only if you really want to.

2014 Top Idol List: 20-11

So, once again it's time for my top idol list. This isn't, despite the name, an oshi ranking. Those are easy enough to pull out of the hat. It's more a "who has impressed me in the last year and gives me hope for their year ahead", and also "who justified their place on the list from last year by having a stormer of a year" type thing. It's my fifth year doing this, and so it becomes difficult to think of what to say at the start of it.

The rules, as usual:
1. I define idols as current members of a current group who currently release idol music, or solo singers who do the same and are generally defined as idols.
2. If a former member of an idol group redebuts under a different name or as a solo singer, or both, and is still primarily known as an idol, they qualify.
3. However, members of retrospective groups that merely take the limelight away from current members do not.

So let's begin with a recap of who I thought were potentially amazing last year, and their former ranks (if they had them) in the format 2010/2011/2012:

20. Shiroma Miru (-/-/-)
19. Yogi Keira (-/-/-)
18. Kodama Haruka (-/-/-)
17. Kudou Haruka (-/-/-)
16. Hirota Aika (-/-/-)
15. Miyawaki Sakura (-/-/-)
14. Ikoma Rina (-/-/-)
13. Kashiwa Yukina (-/-/-)
12. Ichikawa Miori (-/-/5)
11. Momota Kanako (-/-/-)
10. Suzuki Airi (9/8/3)
9. Iriyama Anna (-/-/-)
8. Ariyasu Momoka (-/-/7)
7. Iwata Karen (-/-/-)
6. Yamamoto Hitomi (-/-/-)
5. Watanabe Miyuki (-/-/-)
4. Ishida Ayumi (-/-/-)
3. Kawashima Umika (-/1/8)
2. Kimoto Kanon (-/-/1)
1. Kinoshita Momoka (-/-/-)
God: Murashige Anna (-/-/-)

The god ranking last year was disturbing because I don't think I'd ever seen more potential in an idol before. At the end of this post or the next one you'll know my current feelings on it.

So, now we come to the regretful bit: girls no longer on the list.

Graduations:
- Kashiwa Yukina left Nogizaka46 after sitting in the back row and doing basically nothing.
- Yamamoto Hitomi ruined the lives of everyone who became enamoured of her silly awesome oneshot gags and quit.

Fall out of list:
-Kodama Haruka and Miyawaki Sakura from HKT. Not quite good enough this year.
-Kudou Haruka from Morning Musume. She needs more whisky, fags and hard drugs to make her voice get even worse.
-Hirota Aika from Ebichuu. Simple lack of airtime.
-Ikoma Rina from Nogizaka46, lost centre, lost some funnies, maybe next year.
-Ichikawa Miori, Iwata Karen and Iriyama Anna  from AKB48. Lemon needs a new gag and NMB hasn't improved her in the slightest. Karen's still a spaz, but she can't stand still too long, others are vying for her place. Annin came first in the AKB Mechaike test, which was a bad idea. Not enough silly answers to make her funny. The sports test was better but still improvement needed.
-Momota Kanako from Momoclo. Flexibility only gets you so far.
-Watanabe Miyuki and Kinoshita Momoka from NMB48. Milky cut her hair. Fishing failure. Momoka is still a winning comedian, but the lack of downright grotesque artworks from her this year dropped her down.

Almost Made It:
 -Hagiwara Mai from °C-ute, mostly a reaction to her France appearance where not only was she revelling in being popular, but also stepped up her game as a result.
-Boss, Okada Kanna, Moriyasu and Komada Hiroka from HKT48. Boss decided to ruin every programme HKT were on by being Boss. Okapan is still delightfully cute, and her G+ videos point to her making a breakthrough soon. Moriyasu's now the one to beat on Odekake, as they've replaced 2013's "Overthrow Tani!" calligraphy with "Make Moriyasu Enthused!" She's also good at piano, and nearly killed everyone when she said something rather inappropriate on AKBingo which got censored, leading to dirty speculation on forums. Komada has just impressed me on the sidelines in Odekake and hopefully she'll gravitate towards the front soon.
-Horiuchi Marina and Kikuchi Moa from Sakura Gakuin. Both are vying for my Sakugaku oshi position now Suzuka's left, but with Marina graduating in like three months it'll probably be Moa. She is the most brutal person in the world, after all.
-Suzuki Kanon from Momusu nearly made a stunning comeback, with the lulz obtained by Momusu's recent dokkiri prank and Norks' bizarre antics during it, as well as her humourous insistence that she ain't fat, just chubby. It works in context, and she seems to be using it to her own gain, so I don't think it's a bad thing. She's somewhat recovered from the Sato-virus too, where she didn't know how to take someone younger, crazier and just downright insane than her.

So, onto the actual list. Finally.

20.  Yogi Keira (NMB48)
(-/-/-/19)

A quick glance at Keira's Google+ will tell you all you really need to know. She's young yet, but she's growing into a stunner. She's also gloriously silly, as Docking and now Manabu-kun showcases. And then there's Geinin. She (and someone else, probably Shuu) became fairies from "Suberiland" (suberi, if you don't follow AKB well, is the basic character-type of Takahashi Minami. She tells a "funny" story and it falls completely flat) to convince Nana (NMB's Suberu Devil) to keep failing to save their Suberiland from destruction. It was utterly bizarre and frankly hilarious. She's not frontline yet, but I can see her being the centre in the future once Sayanee and Milky trot along.

19. Ego Yuna (SKE48)
(-/-/-/-)

Considering how photogenic she is, there are a surprising lack of magazine photos of her. But yes, another one of the young generation, waiting to usurp the thrones of their elders. Ego is really young, looks even younger, and acts it too. As much as Momoclo's Shiori tries to act like everyone's little sister though, Ego's got the whole thing down perfectly, as showcased on Ebifriday Night. If there was ever a girl to stake money on usurping the fans of every wota who enjoys the cute little sister motif, this would be the one.

18. Tani Marika (HKT48)
(-/-/-/-)






Speaking of hardly any pictures, Tani has basically zero. So instead I've used a video. Tani is basically the Gaki of old. On crack. Always outspoken, randomly busting out in a high pitched voice, and never afraid to jump in front of anyone with a camera. There's screentime busting, then there's Tani. There's also Murashige. Definitely a rival pair to keep an eye on, now they're both in KIV.

17. Shiraishi Mai (Nogizaka46)
(-/-/-/-)

Nogizaka has been undergoing some switchups this year. First, Maiyan became centre for Girl's Rule, displacing Ikoma, and then the very next single was replaced with Hori, the up-and-coming 2nd gen. But despite this, Maiyan has made my list. Why? Well, she's stunning. Pretty much every picture she's in is fabulous. Secondly, she's variety gold. When Nogibingo started airing she got creampied (in the literal sense) in the first episode, and started crying because she'd always wanted to be creampied. Can't help but respect that.

16. Jonishi Kei (NMB48)
(-/-/-/-)

Jonishi has impressed me this year for several reasons. One is, of course, as you can see above, she got back. She's also incredibly flexible and has had some magazines dedicate a feature to her and her flexibility, which is nice to look at. Her face is a bit weird but she gives off a bit of a Linlin vibe to me, which is good. Also scores high on the "her G+ amuses me" so she ends up here.

15. Kimoto Kanon (SKE48)
(-/-/1/2)

Kanon is still gloriously cute and silly, her facial expressions make me laugh and her minorly sadistic personality is always amusing to watch, so why has she fallen so much? Well, Ebifriday Night was one of the reasons, in which she didn't quite shine as brightly as the others on display. Sekai Seifuku Joshi is also still shit and no one, not even Kanon, can do anything about that. Magical Radio turned into a farce. Still, with her making frontrow on Utsukushii Inazuma, maybe a push is about to start, so she hasn't fallen off entirely. Maybe now she's 16 she'll be put in the photobook queue as well. Not that SKE seem to get a lot.

14. Shiroma Miru (NMB48)
(-/-/-/20)

 
You can always count on Miruru to brighten your day with either cuteness or being a totally nutcase spanner. Which it is depends much on the situation. She is probably the most derpy of the NMB members, but backs it up with confidence and supreme power which is totally unjustified but amusing to watch. Manabu-kun always features her bizarre answers, when you're not sure if she's trolling or not. The challenges in that programme also usually feature Miru, who is truly a sight to behold when failing badly. Her Google+ is a treasure trove of weird photoshopped images, eccentric fashion choices and cute nightmares. Or something. The future of NMB.

13. Murashige Anna (HKT48)
 (-/-/-/God)

Another who deserves more magazine scans. Murashige is still a glorious spanner, hyperactive in the way that no one else quite matches. She's also cute as hell. The only magazine scan I could find of her was a makeup tutorial that coated her in shitloads of blush and basically turned her into Triendl Reina. Granted, Reina's cute as hell as well, but Murashige has the ability to become even moreso. On Hyakkaten, Odekake and AKBingo she's been active as hell, and it wouldn't surprise me if she continued to improve now she's in KIV and able to harass some newcomers. She does need a new gag though.

12. Nakamoto Suzuka (Babymetal)
(-/-/-/-)

Su-metal has improved markedly as a vocalist in recent times. She's also cute, funny, and quite a good older sister role model for Yui and Moa in Babymetal. Her own older sister, Himeka, is also an idol in Nogizaka46, and acts about as differently from Suzuka as possible. Whilst Suzuka emanates gravitas and composure in her performances, and acts like a pretty normal person in interviews and such, Himeka is basically Nogizaka's Momoko. Always doing the annoyingly cute act. But oh well, as a sibling power duo they're definitely the top in the idol world.

11. Nabilah Ratna Ayu Azalia (JKT48)
(-/-/-/-)

Speaking of metal and idols, Nabilah. Yes, she's Indonesian, in an Indonesia-based group, etc etc etc. Who cares. Nabilah is awesome. I don't understand a great deal of Indonesian (I can pick up the basics easily enough, but not everything), but Nabilah is fucking demented. She randomly does silly impressions, shouts really loudly at everything, and enjoys the music of Necrophagist. Her oshi in AKB is the dearly departed Oku Manami, who's pretty much my eternal oshi too. She has more twitter followers than most of the rest of JKT put together, and has even overtaken Maeda "Still Can't Be Fucked" Atsuko. So she's a headbanger who shares my oshi, is crazy and funny. What's not to like?


Anyway, part two will come sooner or later.

Year in Review 2013: Life, the Universe, and Everything

So, at last we come to the end of the gloriously monotonous year that was 2013. In this post I'll strip away the pretty facade of idoldom and lay bare the ugly truth: 42.

Anyway, randomness aside. This year has seen some idol success, some idol failures, and lots of cracks in the veneer that makes up the whole wota/idol symbiosis. As I haven't the time, inclination or beer to do my usual "review fucking everything then give out awards" year in review, I'll just do the awards and then flame everyone in the meantime. So here we go again, remember to have your mouse handy to hover over the text so you can click on links.

Biggest Twat of 2013

I mean, seriously. Morning Musume '14? Get off your drugs, put some clothes on and get back in your study and work on some not shitty music. Okay, Momusu and C-ute had some decent stuff this year. Berryz and S/mileage sucked like usual. And Juice=Juice went all sexy saxman saxogram on us, but it can still be a shitload better. Now get to work.

Heavy as a Really Heavy Thing Award



Babymetal continued to ruin me this year. Megitsune was weird, heavy, and actually pretty damn win. It even inspired me to write a song about Moa tormenting Su-metal for all eternity, sacrificing Yui to Satan and becoming Empress of the Universe. Because she's fucking brutal. And so is this song.

Best Photobook of 2013

My first instinct for this award was to give it to Kojima Fujiko, one of my favourite actresses and seemingly an utterly indolent wastrel at heart. Her photobook FUJIKO was full of amazing shots and Fujiko herself doing some things a lot of young actresses wouldn't do. However, this plan was scotched when I realised the release date was the 15th of December. Last year. Well, bollocks, I thought. My second instinct was to jointly award it to two idols, who both had acceptable photobooks released this year, namely Shimazaki Haruka (whose tedious existence doesn't cause quite as much suffering in photographic form as it does in video) and Ishida Ayumi. However, Paruru, Komaru had a fair share of frankly cheap production, and Ayumi's eponymous release, whilst showing off her deliciousness quite well, suffered from the same lighting problems as most H!P photobooks and a disturbing bit of plagiarism. In which case the title falls to Tokyo Girls' Style's Eien. Shot with much the same subdued style as their music videos, it was well-lit, well-exposed, well-metered and in general pretty. Proving that one doesn't need to be in a bikini to make a good photobook. As for photospam, I have none. It's damn hard to find online (in fact impossible), so I'll leave it up to your wallet or imagination.

Biggest Letdown of 2013

I'm torn, as there were several. The Meads of Asphodel's 2010 album The Murder of Jesus the Jew was amazing. Their followup Sonderkommando, set in concentration camps, was not amazing. It was pretty dreary actually. It wasn't terrible but there weren't a great amount of standout moments of pure genius. Another letdown was Momoclo. Their second album wasn't terrible by any means, but considering the first album and the singles from the second album it should have been a lot better than it was. Thirdly, Ayreon's new album, whilst actually pretty good, still wasn't fucking out-of-this-world amazing, which, from Arjen, you sort of expect by default. So yes, musically not a terrible year, but my hopes ended up being higher than the material that eventually arrived.


Comeback of 2013

Nacchan! After getting fired for a scandal at the beginning of last year, they announced this year that the election would be open for graduates as well. She entered, became the only one of the former members to rank (at #62), and then has kept her G+ open since. She's also been a part of the WH7 get togethers of late (considering Komori retired) and now they've announced a WH7 final concert, which I imagine she'll be a part of. Not bad considering the cloud she graduated under.

Top Music Videos of 2013:

This one is a bitch to decide. Unlike the last two years, nothing really jumps out at me and punches me in the face. I've narrowed it down to two, neither from idols. I'll let you decide after explaining why each is in the frame.



This video is fucking beautiful, as I'd really expect as it's the same guy who directed last year's winner, Solstafir's Fjara. However, unlike the Solstafir video, where the video matched the pace and tone of the music, this really doesn't. With the theme of the video (a recreation of a Norse saga revolving around a brother and sister falling afoul of Loki's not-so-very-charming children [which include Fenrir, Hel and Jormungandr]) being very dark, the bouncy folkiness of the song on top is a little jarring. Still, the sexy cinematography is worth it. I swear if I ever want a video done for my band I'm going straight to Bowen Staines.



Ah, Chthonic. Who else would invade a KMT/Nazi party and assassinate everyone? Stylishly done, and the choreography makes a nicely weird change from the usual metal fare. The fight choreo is well done too, far more realistic-looking than in their Defenders of Bu-Tik Palace video from the same album (which looked more like a Zhang Yimou wuxia film than a music video). Perfectly sums up violence, which is their theme for the Bu-Tik album.

Which is better? You tell me.

Best "Holy Shit I Just Jizzed in My Pants" Four Chord Progression of 2013:



That opening... chills every time. (So, the album was from 2012 but the PV was uploaded in January so it counts.)

Best Metal Scream of 2013:



If you haven't figured it out yet, I fucking love Fuki's voice.

Best "When Did Herman Li Start Moonlighting for Japanese Producers?" Guitar Solo In An Idol Song of 2013:



As I sat on a cold train platform in Basingstoke in early November this year, I remembered thinking to myself, "I've had this Afilia Saga album for ages now but haven't actually listened to it yet. I guess I shall." What followed on the first track was pretty bogstandard, even the beginning of the solo. Then suddenly tapping and sweeping and wtf. Unfortunately the rest of the album wasn't amazing either, to the extent I didn't even bother to review it.

 Best Genre Crash of 2013:



Depagumi Inc. are always delightfully nuts, but never moreso than when they fuck around genres even more than Momoclo and come up with crazy shit like this that make me happy for some really peculiar reason.

Best "When Did Arjen Lucassen and Yasutaka Nakata Start Collaborating?" Song of 2013:



9nine, I love you and all, but this is really quite intriguing. That riff is more Ayreon than anything even from the new album (except maybe the title-subtrack), and it reminds me in places of Perfume-ish technopop, so I guess it's secretly a collaboration.

Best "I Think Spraying White Fluid From A Head Situated In Your Crotch May Require Medical Attention" PV of 2013:



Ah, BiS. Never change.

Best "I Thought Metal Idols Were Supposed To At Least Be Interesting" Fail of 2013:



Fruitpochette are a sister group of Himekyun Fruitscan. They're supposedly metal. They've got the heavy guitars, but this is less metal than Passpo, simply because this is metalcore. I suppose it had to happen eventually. Infiltrating even this far. Damn them.

 Best "Why Hello Vivaldi, Since When Did You Start Writing Idol Songs?" Song of 2013:




Cheeky Parade doing their take on Vivaldi's Winter. Really quite weird, but quite nice also. I quite like Cheeky Parade for some reason.

Best "So Byron Roberts Decided To Write An AKB Song Title?" Song Title of 2013:

"Suzukake no Ki no Michi de 'Kimi no Hohoemi o Yume ni Miru' to Itte Shimattara Bokutachi no Kankei wa Dō Kawatte Shimau no ka, Bokunari ni Nan-nichi ka Kangaeta Ue de no Yaya Kihazukashii Ketsuron no Yō na Mono" makes "The Dark Liege of Chaos is Unleashed at the Ensorcelled Shrine of A'Zura-Kai (The Splendour of a Thousand Swords Gleaming Beneath the Blazon of the Hyperborean Empire Part II)" look short. Still, The Meads of Asphodel's "The Mussulmans Wander Through The Infernal Whirling Fires Amongst Silent Shadows To Be Fed Into The Thirsting Jaws Of A Godless Death Machine To Cough Up Their Souls To The Nazi Moloch Who Sits Within A Ring Of Smoking Infant Skulls" still wins.

Best "So Passpo Aren't Even Trying To Hide Their Rock Ambitions Anymore?" Song of 2013:



It's just an extended guitar solo. Also a very good one. Fuck sake Passpo why you so win?

Best "If You're Going To Rip Off Yes, At Least Pick One Of Their Good Songs" Song of 2013:




Silly 9nine.

Commie Idol of 2013:



Uesaka Sumire, speaks Russian, loves Russian culture, and her PV is full of shit like that. After metal idols, commie idols? There's a non sequitur if I ever saw one.

Mindfuck PV of 2013:



Miyu's my TGS oshi, but this just breaks my mind. And somehow I like it. 

Top Albums of 2013 from 10-6:

Once again I've got something planned for Beat Laments the World, so I'm leaving my top 5 for now. It might not be out until after new year, but I'm sure people can wait. It's not like I blog frequently anyway.

10. Gloryhammer - Tales from the Kingdom of Fife

Song pick: The Epic Rage of Furious Thunder

What a ridiculous concept for an album. But hell, it's Chris Bowes, the guy who creates a new musical project for nearly every random idea he has. Sometimes they get popular (Alestorm), sometimes they toil in obscurity, producing amazing (though random) stuff but never obtaining recognition (Splen), and some just end up fusing together as asdfgfa. With Gloryhammer, they've set about creating a new fantasy counterpart to the real area of Fife, Perth and Angus in Scotland. With, you know, magic dragons, unicorn invasions and a hefty dose of utter ridiculousness. But hell, all power metal is cheesy, this just doesn't bother hiding it and just blows you away with better power metal than many more "serious" bands of the genre would love to have written. The riffs are cool, the melodies are catchy as hell, and it's all brought together by Bowes himself, a veritable keyboard wizard focusing far more on the orchestral elements here than he does in Alestorm. It does at points remind me (Magic Dragon) of an incredibly talented Japanese doujin band that I discovered by accident at Comiket in 2008. The guy had his stuff set up on a Cradle of Filth towel so I decided to buy his album. Good choice, their name was Dragon Guardian and they're awesome. Anyway, Gloryhammer make me remember Turisas, Rhapsody (of Fire) and pretty much every epic power metal band, mixed up with the silliest and most awesome lyrics ever. So you should like it too.
8.3/10

8= Tokyo Girls' Style - Yakusoku

Song pick: LolitA☆Strawberry in summer

Finally they managed to win me over. The fact that the songpick for this album is a cover of an old SweetS song is by no means saying that it's inferior. Actually the opposite, they've improved the song so vastly it's amazing. There are other amazing songs on this album, such as the glorious Sigh tribute Bad Flower, but those acoustic guitars get LolitA the win. The album is mostly funk, with enough nods to previous stuff to keep old fans happy, but the progression in it is phenomenal. The melody writer regained his groove, the mixer wasn't fucked off his head on drugs, and the arranger managed to get nearly everything to sound just right. For an idol album, this is brilliant. For a regular artist, this would be very, very good. As such it's up here.
8.4/10

8= Kvelertak - Meir

Song pick: Bruane Brenn

Ah, Kvelertak. Longtime darlings of the Norwegian underground scene, they bust out large with their self-titled debut album in 2010. Fast-forward three years and they released the follow-up, the aptly titled Meir ("More" in Norwegian). Growing out of Norway's mid-to-late 2000s recreation of black metal into NWOBHM and crust punk (see Scum, I, Chrome Division and Darkthrone for more examples), they mix the heavy party-rock anthemic choruses of Turbonegro, the black metal screams of Emperor, the triple-guitar craziness of Iron Maiden, the "Vikings are we shtick" of Bathory, and mix it all up with mead. Because mead is awesome. My main gripe with the first album was that there was an immense lack of Suck My Glock (the coolest song from their demo Westcoast Holocaust). My main gripe with Meir is exactly the same thing. Though at least this time they've included Snilepisk, probably the third best song on the demo after Suck My Glock and Mjød. It's still a fun, raucous crazy partytime.
8.4/10

7. Kawaguchi Senri - À La Mode

Song pick: Spanish Pirates

There's something amazingly compelling about young Japanese musicians. However, they rarely obtain the fame available to Senri at such a young age. Releasing her first album at the age of 16, featuring a mesmerising mix of talented jazz and rock musicians (Yamamoto Kyoji from Bow Wow being the most famous to readers of this blog, probably; but it also features Brian Bromberg and Suganuma Kozo), and performing so tightly that you'd think it was an experienced jazz drummer three times her age. Released back in January, it almost instantly commanded attention for a possible place on this list. It's amazingly complex (as is most jazz), and features songs like the one I picked that also give a damn good showing for prog fans. Senri also piqued my attention in the wider world of Japanese jazz, which led me to this blog that houses a huge variety of old jazz. Still, I'd advise checking out Senri. She has another new album out in January with the keyboardist Otaka Kiyomi under the name KIYO*SEN. I'm gonna be paying much attention.
8.5/10

6. Ayreon - The Theory of Everything

Song pick: As there's only four songs, each over 20 minutes, broken into 42 subsections, it's almost impossible to pick one.

So, Ayreon is back. The world of prog rejoiced, the world of metal rejoiced, and I decided to find problems with it. Granted, 01011001 was bloated, had too much filler, and could have been improved vastly by simply cutting out the "everyday on earth" bits, but the underlying themes and music were still amazing, as was the vocal talent on offer. However, 01011001 happened to end the story, leaving Arjen with rather too much time on his hands, as seen by Guilt Machine's moody atmospheres, Star One's amazing metal adventure through the stars, and Lost in the New Real. So, rather than start (another) new project, he went back to Ayreon with a new story. However, the story is rather rubbish. Plus, I can't see him making a multi-album opera cycle out of it like he did with his first storyline. The vocal talent on offer is good, but not at the level of 01011001 or even the Human Equation. I can understand him wanting to work with only new people, but Tommy Karevik is lacking, Sara Squadrani is weak, and John Wetton just sort of blends into the background after a while. On the other hand, Michael Mills and JB are phenomenal. The riffs and songs themselves sound like Ayreon. They're not at the level of Electric Castle or Human Equation, but just ahead of 01011001. If it was music alone, it'd get an amazing score, but the dreary vocalist choices and uninspired plot and lyrics just leave me dragging. Shame it wasn't a perfect comeback, still, hoping for something mindblowing next time.
8.8/10

So, keep an eye on Beats for the top 5, which will probably be a collab with wu in which we also review each other's top 5. Could get interesting. So, have an enjoyable new year, and I'll probably see you next month for my idol list.