A Brief Response to "The Evolution of Idol Music"

For those who don't know, I'm in a band. My bandmate is a musical prodigy, gifted on everything he picks up, and incredibly knowledgeable about the history of music. He's also fairly into idols, though that mostly means old school Momusu and the occasional other song. However, when he turns his prodigious mind to something I say offhand in a tweet, and then writes a thesis on it, I can't help but try and plug it.

Until, that is, I actually spot a minor flaw.

The post in question is called Evolution of Idol Music, and it examines whether or not we're currently in the late baroque period of idol music. The original plan was for it to be a Roundtable discussion, but I got back from work that day and the fucker had already written it. I will warn you, the post is video heavy and the theme is laggy on its own, so it may crash your browser.

So, once you've trawled through that, feel free to return.

Brainstorm This!

So, Morning Musume have come out with a "Loose Shot" version PV for their next single, Brainstorming, the release of which is about 7 weeks away still. The early reactions I've seen seem to have reached a consensus that the song is good, the dance is amazing, and that Ayumi looks delicious in twintails.

So, let's take a look at the video, shall we?

Top 50 Progressive Idol Songs

So, I'm back once again with another of my stupidly long lists. This time, I'm choosing to list the most progressive idol songs.

Now, granted, progressiveness is a hard trait to define at the best of times. I am in the interesting situation that my three cobloggers are also big prog nerds, therefore I anticipate (and expect, don't let me down guys) some criticism regarding my choices. So, before we begin, just what is prog anyway? I had a go at explaining some of the stuff I class as prog metal here, but of course, prog metal is but a drop in the ocean. Prog is a massive sprawling genre, with nearly as many subgenres as metal. So I'll just leave you to make up your own minds on what is prog and what isn't, and get on with explaining some more of the system I've been using to determine my newest list.

This time, I started out with, once again, shitloads of idol songs. Probably approaching 1500 songs now, and I listened to all of them. I also asked Henkka for some recommendations, as he's better versed on early H!P that isn't Momusu than I am.

After that, I narrowed it down to about 140 songs which I deemed had some progressive qualities. I once again attempted using the * system to narrow it down further, but my prog-mind decided to be strict as fuck that day and wouldn't let me pick any more than 11. Not great when you're aiming for a list of 50, eh.

So, I went into my trusty Calc and stuck all the songs in. I deleted a few here and there along the way as I decided I'd been too easy on them, so my final count was 126 songs to get the 700 treatment.

Yes, the Seven Arbitrary Rankings have returned. This time, they are:

• Length


• Structure


• Timbre Spectrum


• Virtuosity


• Musical Curiosities


• Insanity


• Awesomeness

Put them together and we get 700.

Momusu's new single, mass hysteria and why I hate humanity.

So, Gaki has crawled into a retirement home, Aika has wheeled herself off to something which I'm not even sure how to sum up, and Sayu is Momusu's leader. With the average age of the group now about 15 and Sayu's randomness in charge, I was hoping for some improvement.

Now, I'll admit. I like the 9th and 10th gens. They all seem pretty fun, some are talented, and some are just insane. I was content to wait for Gaki to be dead and buried before I passed judgement on the new era.

So she's now in a coffin, and I'm passing judgement.

The new single is shit.



I go on forums, I find everyone saying how wonderful it is. I despair. It sounds like Tsunku's just found more buttons to press and given up all thought of melody or timbre, or dynamics. Let's look at the vocal melody line. It barely fucking moves. Stays on the same note for ages, and then moves maybe a semitone in accordance with the chord progression. Not that the chord progression is good, you understand.

The song is a mess. The vocoders are useless, having a voice cut to shreds and buzzing incessantly pisses me off.

This isn't so much a song as much as it is an aural nightmare. It's like partenza, just not quite as bad.

The dance seems to be the thing people are interested by, which brings me to the conclusion that it's not so much that idol music is bad, per se, it's just that the majority of people listening to it are deaf.

Top 50 Guitar Solos in Idol Songs

So, I said it was coming. Since my last post, basically when I haven't been working, sleeping, fapping or watching something idol related, I've been listening to solos. Lots of solos. In total I think I listened to a total of somewhere over a thousand songs and found 223 solos worth further investigation. Those I divided into three groups. Top Tier, of which there were just over 50, Middle Tier, of which there were about 20, and the rest. Then, with the 53 solos I deemed worthy, I began to rate them based on (once again) seven headings of equal worth.

• Technical Proficiency


• Listenability


• Solo Orgasm Faceability


• Flow


• Length


• Jizzability


• Awesomeness

Yes, these are completely arbitrary.

Some explanations of what each entails:

Technical Proficiency ranks various guitar playing techniques that can be hard to pull off. Some, of course, much harder than others. These include but are not limited to: Hammer ons/pull offs, vibrato, tremolo, harmonics, tapping, sweeping, harmonisation. For the record, two songs got the maximum 100 marks for technical.
Listenability ranks how nice the solo is on the ears. Some of the greatest solos of all time had just a great deal of vibrato but not much other technical wankery, and this is what that ranks. How "nice" the solo is.
Solo Face Orgasmability ranks how well a guitarist could guitar solo face orgasm to the solo. This is probably one of the three most arbitrary rankings. Basically if anything has a pattern of three semiquavers and then a crotchet, with whammy bar, that's soloface orgasm.
Flow ranks how well the solo fits into the song. Of course, fitting too well is a bad thing, for example, sweeping around in the pattern of a chord progression is pretty damn boring, but technically good. There are a few solos on this list like this.
Length is pretty obvious. The longer a solo is, the cooler it is.
Jizzability is how likely you are to jizz your pants because of the solo. Also known as Finger Explodability, based on how likely it is your fingers would explode playing it.
Awesomeness is just a ranking of how good it all sounds together.

Musings on the new direction of Momusu (or why it doesn't suck)

So, enter 9th gen.

I started halfway through the blogpost, sorry. But all will become clear. Or I'll just ramble for 1000 words again like usual. But anyway.

Morning Musume have new members. And with it, their average age has dropped considerably. From an average of 21 on their last single to 17.4444 now. When Aichan leaves it'll drop again to about 16.625 or something (not paying any attention whatsoever to birthdays that happen between now and then). This means that a direction change is pretty much guaranteed. After all, little kids singing about the futility of love and other general emo shit probably wouldn't work. Unless it's Airi in Aa! But that was just amusing.

So, firstly I'm going to outline my issues with the Momusu of the past few years. If you're a fan of that era, you may want to turn back now...